Focus

Not having much luck focusing today. I've tried to work and have found several little odds and ends that need to be tidied up before I take 3 days off, but other than that, I'm having a real hard time caring about anything but home.

I know it sounds wierd...or maybe it just sounds wierd to the young people I work with, but all my energy is focused on Rob right now. I know he's anxious and afraid and that makes me anxious. But, we're really close right now and I know he's leaning on me for support and I know he's depending on me to take care of everything he'll need over the next few days so he can rest and heal.

That's hard for him. In fact, we speculate that's hard for most gay men of our age. When we came out, many of us became separate from families and we had to be very independent. There's a line I love from Torch Song Trilogy that goes something like "I taught myself to cook and clean and build stairs and even to pat myself on the back when necessary". It's hard, after a lifetime spent being that independent, to lean on someone else for any kind of support. I think that's one of the big reasons that so many gay relationships are so short lived...gay men don't know how to ask for help from a partner and it ends up driving a wedge between a couple during a crisis. And, we didn't have the traditional support of others, both people and institutions, to help us work through that. So, relationships used to have a shorter half life. But, I happily see much of the changing as we gain more acceptance from our friends and families.

The young people I work with don't think this is any big deal. They've known grandparents who have lost teeth and gone to dentures. And grandparents probably don't show their vulnerability and fear about the process. Or, maybe they accept it as part of getting older. But, Rob is young for this procedure. Not the youngest person I've known who had it, but young none the less. And his feelings that this means he's crossed a bridge into being older are really weighing heavily on him. That and the fear of the unknown...what will this be like? will he be able to eat? how bad will it hurt?... At least he's joined an internet forum of folks of similar age who are going through the same thing, so he's been able to read about their experiences and read their cautions about what to do and not to do. We aren't going into this blind. But, we are going into it with caution.

On Sydney's project, we found that she'd "misunderstood" the instructions and had to re-create a whole section. And, when I reviewed the blueprint last night, I found that they'd included all the low flow toilets and low energy use light bulbs and appliances, but the project was about renewable energy sources and they hadn't included any...not a windmill or a solar panel or even a hydroelectric dam. So, we're trying to figure out how to0 add some of those with a minimum of effort. But, I'm still sure that what she's going to turn in will exceed the teacher's expectations (fingers crossed).

Okay, that's it for today. Take care and have a great Tuesday. I'll try to keep posting the rest of the week. I'm hoping to get lots of quilting done while Rob rests. Lane