We spent yesterday watching the news develop from Orlando. And, crying. And, sighing. It was a sad day. At some point, they're going to start showing pictures and sharing names of the victims. And, I'm just not sure I'm going to be able to deal with that. I think I can only deal with them as a very sad number.
I'm not sure how I feel. Sad because I had hoped that I wouldn't have to worry about this kind of hate aimed at me and my kind. Angry that one person thought he was so much more right than other people that it was okay to kill them. Angry that his thinking is reinforced every day in this country. Angry that the rest of us that aren't crazy are doing all we can to bring some sanity to the world by leading by example...and it's not enough. Worried that this isn't the last of this we will see. Worried that the political rhetoric will hype another crazy person into a frenzy and they will attack someone else. Worried that it might be me or someone I know. Worried that I'm not doing enough. Worried that nothing will ever be enough.
Hopeful that in my daughter's lifetime, things will be different. Hopeful that the example I have set in my life has influenced someone who might have influenced someone else and so on until maybe it made a small difference.
Proud that I was part of the generation that helped bring the community out of the closet. Proud that I saw the day when I could marry my partner.
But, not afraid. Never afraid to be who I am and share as much of myself as I am comfortable with in any situation. Our flag is out in front of the house and I will be wearing a rainbow pin today. I will not be afraid. And, if I am afraid, I will not let it change what I do. And, I will not let anyone see my fear. Because it's too late for fear.
The most appropriate thing I could think to work on yesterday was our wedding quilt. In a small way, that's an affirmation of my relationship. My validity. My right to exist. I got it pin basted and about half of the stabilizing ditch work done. It gave my hands something to work on. But, I found that I was so distracted, I couldn't weave my way around the curves in a line from one edge to the other. I'd come out of some intersection and take the wrong curve, and before I knew it, I was on a perpendicular line. I had to mark them. So, I'd take the quilt to the living room where I could spread it out and add extra basting pins along the line I wanted to follow. Little breadcrumbs to follow along a curving path. I didn't think about how similar all those curves were and how much concentration it takes to keep from making a wrong turn. I'm using a Hobbs Heirloom wool batting and am not having any trouble rolling half the quilt into a log that I can move through the throat of the machine. I can hardly wait to start quilting in all that green negative space.
Everybody have a good Monday.
My last thought for the day is this. Guns don't kill people. People kill people.
So take away people's damn guns!