6/13/16

Numb

We spent yesterday watching the news develop from Orlando.  And, crying.  And, sighing.  It was a sad day.  At some point, they're going to start showing pictures and sharing names of the victims.  And, I'm just not sure I'm going to be able to deal with that.  I think I can only deal with them as a very sad number.   

I'm not sure how I feel.  Sad because I had hoped that I wouldn't have to worry about this kind of hate aimed at me and my kind.  Angry that one person thought he was so much more right than other people that it was okay to kill them.  Angry that his thinking is reinforced every day in this country.  Angry that the rest of us that aren't crazy are doing all we can to bring some sanity to the world by leading by example...and it's not enough.  Worried that this isn't the last of this we will see.  Worried that the political rhetoric will hype another crazy person into a frenzy and they will attack someone else.  Worried that it might be me or someone I know.  Worried that I'm not doing enough.  Worried that nothing will ever be enough. 

Hopeful that in my daughter's lifetime, things will be different.  Hopeful that the example I have set in my life has influenced someone who might have influenced someone else and so on until maybe it made a small difference. 

Proud that I was part of the generation that helped bring the community out of the closet.  Proud that I saw the day when I could marry my partner. 

But, not afraid.  Never afraid to be who I am and share as much of myself as I am comfortable with in any situation.  Our flag is out in front of the house and I will be wearing a rainbow pin today.  I will not be afraid.  And, if I am afraid, I will not let it change what I do.  And, I will not let anyone see my fear.  Because it's too late for fear. 

The most appropriate thing I could think to work on yesterday was our wedding quilt.  In a small way, that's an affirmation of my relationship.  My validity.  My right to exist.  I got it pin basted and about half of the stabilizing ditch work done.  It gave my hands something to work on.  But, I found that I was so distracted, I couldn't weave my way around the curves in a line from one edge to the other.  I'd come out of some intersection and take the wrong curve, and before I knew it, I was on a perpendicular line.  I had to mark them.  So, I'd take the quilt to the living room where I could spread it out and add extra basting pins along the line I wanted to follow.  Little breadcrumbs to follow along a curving path.  I didn't think about how similar all those curves were and how much concentration it takes to keep from making a wrong turn.  I'm using a Hobbs Heirloom wool batting and am not having any trouble rolling half the quilt into a log that I can move through the throat of the machine.  I can hardly wait to start quilting in all that green negative space. 


Everybody have a good Monday. 

My last thought for the day is this.  Guns don't kill people.  People kill people. 

So take away people's damn guns!

Lane

14 comments:

Kathleen said...

hugs, lots of them.
Be hugged, and hug...

lw said...

As a nation, we really need to address untreated mental illness. One strong theme in these horrific killings is that nearly everyone around the person knew that they were mentally ill and needed treatment and they couldn't get it for them. It's time to fix that. Before more innocent people die.

jane said...

That guy was a bloody coward, afraid to live in a world that was not perfect in his eyes. I was so proud of the people who came out to donate blood and help the wounded. I am proud of the people who stood up and made marriage equality happen. I am proud of all the gay men who took in and raised AIDS babies back in the 80s. Humans do much more good that this idiot will ever understand. He only understood shooting people. Feel pity for such a failure of a human being.

Elle said...

"I will not be afraid. And, if I am afraid, I will not let it change what I do. And, I will not let anyone see my fear. Because it's too late for fear." Something for all of us to aspire to. Thank you.

Becky said...

Love you, Lane!

Nancy said...

Much love to you, your family and your friends. I keep wanting to turn this horrible news off but do not seem able. Having worked in medicine my entire life, I cannot feel that this happened because of his being bipolar. This happened because he was filled with hate and inspired by the wrong people. Even his father had hateful ideas concerning the gay community. What loss we have sustained. I just found a website where I found a "straight ally" flag and have ordered it already. It will go on my door as soon as it gets here. It is a black and white striped flag with a rainbow triangle superimposed.

Having had a beloved gay uncle as well as a beloved gay brother-in-law, I have always supported the gay community. This just breaks. Y heart. Sending love, hugs and support to you and yours........

Nancy said...

In case anyone else is interested in the rainbow flags/straight ally flags, or many other "rainbow" items, I found the flag at
rainbowdepot.com. The 4" x 6" ones are very reasonable at under $2.00.

Megan said...

Thinking of you and your family and your friendship circle, Lane.

From someone who lives on the opposite side of the globe, my view is that there are hate-filled, angry, inadequate people living in every community. One of the differences between such people who live in the US and those who live in Australia is that in the US, they have ready access to guns, and military-grade guns at that. Surely the general population in the US is close to demanding the introduction of tight controls on guns? Surely! It won't happen overnight, but that's not a reason to make a start.

Megan
Sydney, Australia

Vesuviusmama said...

I'm so sick of hatred. I'm so sick of bigotry. I'm so sick of homophobia. I'm so sick of guns. I'm so sick of killing. I alternate between nausea and weepiness. I feel so helpless. I'm in your corner, the corner where we live and let live, love and let love.

lw said...

This just keeps getting sadder. The shooter turns out to have been a frequent visitor to Orlando's gay clubs. And according to his oldest friends, either gay or confused. Add that to Islam, and the result is a nightmare.

Tammy said...

My thoughts, prayers, love and deepest sympathy to the families and friends of the fabulous people murdered in Orlando. May these precious souls Rest In Peace. The horrendous actions of one man has broken hearts of so many around the globe.
The following are the final words of Jack Layton (deceased August 2011) "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."

Mari said...

In the words of Harvey Milk, "Hope is never silent." Not much else to say in the wake of this awful act. Hugs to you and all your friends, Lane.

Tammy said...

I'm looking at the photo of your wedding quilt.. which is gorgeous. What kind of pins are you using? I've never seen anything like that in Canada.

Pati said...

Lane, I'm just catching up on my blog reading. I'm also horrified at what happened in my hometown. I grew up in Orlando and trust me when I say that Orlando is an inclusive town. This guy does not in any way represent the people of Orlando. He was sick and twisted. The true spirit of Orlando are the people you saw waiting for hours to donate blood, the people from churches that blocked the haters from disrupting the funerals, the florist who donated funeral flowers to the families of the victims. It has been a very sad sad week for everyone who has and does call Orlando home.