10/5/15

Knock, knock. Is there anybody in there?

Hey, all.  We are here.  And, we are fine.  Thanks so much for your notes of concern. 

Life changed more than I expected after marriage.  And, then school started and things changed again. 

Rob and I are enjoying something of a honeymoon, without leaving home.  At some point, about a month after we were married, I looked at him in an argument that we normally wouldn't have had and said "We're married.  I can't just tell you to leave anymore.  That's why this is important.". And, he looked me directly back in the eye and said "We're married.  I can't just pack up and go.  That's why this is important.". And, we found common ground. Sounds corny. But it was a big moment for us.

At some point after that, we started retreating to our bedroom every evening after dinner while the kid is throwing attitude about having to do dishes and we just sit on the bed together, laughing about our days and what's going on in our lives and talking... and flirting like teenagers.  And, confusing the hell out of one seventeen year old girl who has no idea what we are up to in there laughing so much.

Sydney is up to her normal school habits, despite the fact it's senior year.  But, we are taking a different approach... no more punishments, just the withholding of rewards.  What we were calling punishments were technically negative rewards.  (Giving her something is a reward, even if that something is a negative thing, like extra chores.). Now, we are withholding the little rewards that we normally extend, and separating things into needs and rewards... shampoo is a need, conditioner is a reward... and don't say I don't understand because I'm a man.  When I need leverage, I can go anywhere I want to and that was very effective. Razors and shaving lather are also rewards. So she will either keep her grades up or she will be very hairy and dried out. I'm good with her knowing that.  Shopping with the dads is a reward.  Can't turn in your homework, we will gladly spend that time alone. 

And, it worked. 

Nirti, the diabetic cat is doing well.  The vet still hopes to wean her off the insulin, so we are trying that again, and it's going well. 

Work is good.  I have a boss.  I haven't done any work for him yet, but I have a boss.  I'm technically doing work for two other people right now during the transition, but eventually I will work for the new boss. 

And I'm making new friends. Man friends. I didn't realize how much I missed having man friends. But I did. Gay married man friends. Men  to gripe about how dreadful the old ball and chain is. Okay there hasn't been much of that. We haven't been allowed to marry for long enough to complain about it yet. But we do talk about what it's like and how the whole legal aspect of it changed things. And how we are all maneuvering this marriage thing. And the constant has been that we've all had some variation of that conversation about not being able to just walk away because we are married now so we have to make this work. Nobody wants to be the first gay divorce. Its new territory for people that couldnt marry and I'm not the only one looking for people to talk to about it.

I was going to post last week, but I upgraded to windows 10 and can't get photos to post.  And, honestly, I don't have the time to deal with that right now.  Too many other things going on.  Life to be lived and that doesn't actually require computers right now.  Maybe I'll mess with that later.  But, honestly, I'm so totally sick of Microsoft, google and apple, I could easily go back to the abacus and a phone with a cord and not miss those big businesses one bit.  Well, maybe not literally, but if the CEO's of those three companies were coming here for dinner, Rob and I would eat steak... and they'd be offered peanut butter.

And crackers. No water to wash it down with.

Speaking if food, our fridge is out. I had to consolidate everything into our extra fridge that is normally for sodas. It wouldn't all fit. So this weekend, I ate. I made a turkey. And I ate and ate and gave some away and ate more turkey. When Sydney and Rob got home from their weekend at the coast, I fed them turkey. When I went to the store yesterday, I soecialized in things that don't need refrigeration and all this weeks menus are based on things that need to come out of the fridge. But we wasted a surprisingly small amount of food so I'm good. Most of what we lost happened when we first discovered that the fridge was too warm and things like condiments had to be tossed.

Anyway, that's my world. Summarized into a short package. Hopefully I'll be able to post pics soon. I'm working on a real cute quilt that i pieced a couple years ago and am just getting to quilt.

Hope you are all well too. Talk to you soon. Lane

8 comments:

Kath said...

And, confusing the hell out of one seventeen year old girl who has no idea what we are up to in there laughing so much."

I Laughed Out Loud!

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the world of marriage after 40------years married, we are now working out marriage after retirement. That is a whole new world!

lw said...

I haven't downloaded Windows 10 yet (though I suspect Microsoft did it for me and is waiting for me to activate it. Taking lots of space on my hardrive.)

Glad you all are doing well. Getting married is like an atom moving to a higher energy state; it'll take a while to stabilize.

I think your method of working with Sydney is the most likely to yield a self-sufficient mature adult woman. The problem with being a teenager is that schooling usually takes a back seat to social development; if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, love and belonging come way before self-actualization.

Kate said...

love it, love it. So glad you are getting the full range of 'marriage' - - I married a man I had lived with for fifteen years, and I had a total freak out about it the day after - you would have thought he had put chains on me.. fortunately I eventually calmed down !!!! Retreating and laughing is a very good sign..

Rebecca Grace said...

Oh, Lane, you and Rob should do parenting consulting. I love it that you made conditioner and leg shaving rewards for good behavior! I know what you mean about the teenage attitude taking over the house and dragging everyone down if you let it. I thought it was supposed to be just the girls who got super moody and tyrannical, but I had a rough evening with my 9th grade son ranting and raving like a crazy person about how he was going to take MY phone away(?!!!). He was such a cute baby -- what happened?! Unfortunately, he still comes out of the shower every morning with greasy hair that he "forgot" to shampoo, so withholding toiletries isn't going to work with him. The only things he cares about losing are his phone or his computer, which he needs for school. I hope I survive until this kid graduates from high school!

Becky said...

Whew!!! I'm so glad to hear from you! I honestly said this morning if there wasn't a post from you I was heading to the airport to come track you down and make sure you were all ok!!! ( Now, the threat of this old woman arriving unannounced on your doorstep all loaded for bear should be more than enough incentive to post at least a sentence or two as a pro-active action!!!)

Hope you are having a smooth workweek, and a peaceful kid week!!

Love you bunches!
Becky

bustermommy said...

Missed you!!

lindaroo said...

I've missed you! Your posts about home and work and sewing orient me toward honesty and goodness and creativity.