All about me

On Saturday, I had some realizations.  I shared them with Rob, and now I want to record them here.  I'm not surprised that what we are doing with Linda brings up all kind of unexpected personal feelings. 

I had a very frustrating weekend.  In fact, when I was reviewing it on Saturday evening, the only thing that went right that day was visiting with Linda and bringing in a good lunch. 

I'd spent a couple hours working on the Kitchenaid mixer...Linda's mixer.  It was working fine, but it needed a bit of a tweak.  So, I took it apart and tweaked it and when I put it back together, it wouldn't turn on. 

After that, I scrubbed several years worth of muck from under the 40 year old fridge and the dryer and dusted the walls and cleaned out the dryer vent.  That wasn't really fun work, but it felt good to have it done.  Til Rob moved the washer. 

Later in the afternoon, after our visit and while Rob was taking a short nap, I found myself sitting in the studio floor, frustrated that I couldn't make any progress on anything.  Everything I touch gets either messed up or I just don't have enough time to make any progress on it and I wasn't getting to any quilting.  And, there are boxes everywhere and the garage is a mess.  And, just as I was working up to a real good pissed off at myself, I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to finish Linda's work before her life ends.  And, it was frustrating hell out of me that I couldn't do it. 

I took one project to the living room and closed the door on the studio.  That thought needed to bake a bit.  On Sunday, I shared it with Rob and he saw the logic of it.  And, his feedback was "there are worse ways of dealing with your feelings." and he gave a couple of examples that were indeed worse.  Much worse.  And, that made me feel better. 

So, Sunday, before I started chores, I went in the studio and sat in the floor and started packing projects away.  They're not gone.  But, they're not priority.  I kept one project out.  And, my quilting is still spread everywhere, just where I left it, waiting for me to get back to me.

I hope Rob won't mind me telling this, but he's going through much the same thing.  He painted the laundry room yesterday.   Twice.  Two slightly different shades of yellow.  To get it just right.  And, to deal with how wrong it is to watch someone fade. 

On the up side, last night when we discovered the new refrigerator won't fit without having a plumber in to replace the ice maker shut off valve, we should have argued.  We should have fought like two cats in a sack.  And, accusing and angry words flashed through my mind.   But, I just didn't need to say them.  And, Rob didn't need to hear them.  And, he didn't need to say the angry words he thought.  We had made a mistake.  WE had.  Just one in all the other things we've done. 

We took a few minutes alone and then we came back together with solutions.

We are dealing with something hard.  And, we are dealing with it together.  And, we are dealing with it well.  And, we are learning things about ourselves.  And, we are building new examples of how to relate to one another that we can use in the future when we run into things like unexpected dimensional shifts in the space continuum.  Because there's no way we actually measured that fridge space wrong.  It had to be a change in the space itself.  That's probably how all that cat litter got swept under the dryer.

Who am I kidding, that part was my daughter.

Everybody have a great week!  We will continue to do what we do and keep you posted on our progress.  Unfortunately, I didn't get much done in the garage, but as an excuse, I offer that it was 105* here this weekend and the garage is not air conditioned.  And, if we don't get a new garage door until fall, I may be able to live with that. 



Anonymous said...

Lane, I really appreciate your openness on your blog. It takes a great stable relationship with yourself and also with your partner to survive these difficult times. The garage can wait! Keep loving yourself and your lovely man. And Sydney too, of course!


What can I say--your misadventures did make me smile--I know--how can that be--guess it was the way you told it!!! and to let you know those kinds of things happen to us all--you are not alone---
and if it makes you feel any better--I am beginning a new journey myself--packing up 3 years of life in Florida and moving back to NY--for health reasons mostly--but the only way I can do it--is to ship my stuff up and fly back--so no furniture--and basically starting over (except all my quilting stuff!!) and that is how I got down here--just some boxes!!!
take care and keep up the wonderful friendship with your hospice friend!
enjoy, di

Anonymous said...

That makes sense. Your trying to finish Linda’s things. However, working on your things gives you the strength you need while nursing her.
Thanks for sharing. Mary

Megan said...

Thanks, as always, for sharing. If you're looking for further distraction, perhaps you and Rob could pop over to my place and clean under the fridge and washing machine etc? And the garden needs a LOT of work!

Continue to be gentle on yourself and with others. Kindness makes a huge difference.

Sydney, Australia

Dot said...

You write very, very well - touching on moving the dryer and then, later, weaving in the cat litter underneath, dealing with your feelings as Linda fades, and growing with Rob as life deals you the refrigerator problem. These disparate things related as a cohesive whole, courtesy of your reasoning.

Come to think of it, you have written at this level all nine years. Which is why your blog is the first thing I look at every morning.

Love to your family and Linda. Who would have thought I would treasure so much, people I will never meet?