I'm sure I am not the only one that has this memory. I'm very young and have just jumped into the water and am deep. I can't see around me, either because I'm afraid to open my eyes or because the water is dark. And, I can't figure out which way is up.

That's how I've been feeling about my conflicting feelings. If I let my sad feelings show, I feel disloyal to the great man that is in my life now. If I don't let my sad feelings show, I feel disloyal to the memories and love from the past.

Fortunately, I have the greatest man in the world now and he knows that I'm having feelings and he isn't in any way threatened by them and is ready for me to let them show. But still, like an itch under the skin, I feel like I'm going to be disloyal to somebody, no matter what I do. Even though that only exists in my head. And, I know it only exists in my head.

So, you wanna know how I survived the water? Well, I thrashed around for a minute and panicked and then I just relaxed and went still. The air in my lungs floated me up toward the surface and then I knew which way to go.

I think being relaxed and still is the best way to figure out which way to go today, too.
Thanks for all your kind words and wishes and thoughts yesterday. When the numbness wears off, I'm going to be sure and read them again.
Oh, and Sara emailed me that she is going to make a kosher version of the breadroll. Sara, I hope you'll share the recipe.
Everyone take care. Wish I was quilting! Lane


Coloradolady said...

Lane I know how you feel, that is a tough thing to have to sort out in your mind. But for myself, I usually wear my feelings on my sleeve and well, every one else has to deal with it! I have a hard time no matter how hard I try holding it in, sometimes that is good, others not so good.

Dealing with something or a loss is better than not dealing with it and hope that it goes away, but it really does not go away, at least for me it does not. You are lucky you have someone who supports and understands your feelings. Yes, it is tough to feel like you are being disloyal, but you are not, you are being loyal to your feelings at this moment and that is really important in the big scheme of things.

Take care my friend.....I am thinking of you!!

lw said...

Your "relax and go still" method is also works for learning to fly an airplane. If you're struggling, let go of the controls. The airplane straightens itself out.

I think the feeling of disloyalty may be due to the fact that while you can get over the anger, hurt and frustration with past lovers, you never completely get over the love. Some part of you goes on caring, even after you're forced to let go. Lane, from your blogs, you are one of the most loving people God ever put on this planet, so I think it is especially hard for you. Seems to me, though, that your attitude of finding something to be grateful for even from relationships with your addict friend, will get you through alright.

By the way, I agree with yesterday's comments, your writing on this difficult subject has been excellent.

Michelle said...

Had to back-up to your last post. I'm sorry about David. You know, I think everyone has someone like David in their lives. The person who was so special, and yet so self-destructive that eventually for sanity's sake, you have to choose to omit him/her from your daily life. I've never learned not to feel conflicted about such people who have both graced me with their presence and stressed me out of my mind. I've learned that it is with such people I've had some of the best times of my life and some of the worst. There is no resolving it.

Elizabeth said...

I know exactly what you mean about feelings from the past and being disloyal to the present. I don't have any words of advice (which is unusual for me since I'm a bossy know-it-all) but just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and you matter. Thanks for sharing.

Patricia said...

We don't take enough time to just "be still". You will be amazed how things will work themselves out and you will know exactly what to do, say, think, and resolve---by simply "being still".

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

Lane, I've tried to write something to make you feel "better " several times in the last day or so. I just can't seem to make my words fit.

So I'm just going to say, I am thinking of you and I know you'll approach this with your usual grace and dignity and will ultimately find a way to resolve your conflict.

I am truly sorry about your friend.