5/25/12

for meeeee,

For Meeeeeee,

FOR MEEE!

Need a hint?  Bohmeian Rhapsody, Freddie Mercury, Queen.

My girl.

Heads turned to see where that sound came from.  Perfectly on her note, no crack in her voice. 

And, I wept.

I got there just in time to see the Queen medley.  I missed her duet, but this high note was the thing she'd been talking about the most and I knew she was most anxious about it.  And, when it happened, I held my breath and opened my throat and lungs as if I were singing the note. 

Right...it's not the same note when you're a baritone.

These are the awards she won and her yearbook that she got yesterday.


Happiest moment for Dad?  Getting to the concert.  I drove just over the speed limit all the way.  No need to do anything crazy.  I am, after all, doing my best.  Actually doing my best to get there.  And, walking in just as they were setting up the combined choirs for the medley.

Saddest moment for Dad?  I'd like to say that it was when they were singing "Wherever You Go", a beautiful song that they use at the end of each year to say goodbye to the graduating class.  I wept.  But, the saddest moment was after all my trying to get there and making it just in time and and weeping, when she came out of the crowd, hugged Rob and didn't even look me in the eye.

But, I'm learning that it is not her responsibility to meet my need for affection.  That hurt.  But, ya' know, I'm a big boy and I got over it.  It did help that I'd been reading Yes, your teen is crazy!  This is one of the first things he covers, so instead of being confused about what I was feeling, I had great clarity about it.  So, I let those feelings go and smiled and walked behind them to our cars and offered to pick up tacos on the way home. 

And, we sat at the dining table, stuffing ourselves with crunchy tacos and listened to her talk 42 miles per hour and as we were finishing, she looked under her lashes at me and said, "I saw you walk in.  I knew you were there." 

And, just now, I wept.  That is a huge contrast to how the evening would have turned out if I had acted on my feelings of being ignored. 

I'm really enjoying this book.

And, I think everyone should read it.  I am not saying that you should change your life to what this Dr. says.  I'm not going to change everything about how I parent based on one person's opinion, because right now, what we're doing is pretty successful and is reflective of the lessons I want to teach. 

But, I was hurting.  The therapist has tried to get me to believe it.  Rob has even said it.  Now, I have it as a third opinion and I am ready to relax into it...because what I'm hearing goes against every thing I thought about raising a child and how they should be a visible reflection of the parent.  He says it with a lot of humor.  And, several times I cried on the plane as I felt the pain of a parent in one of the real life stories he shared.  I need to stop expecting her to be a reflection of her parents and to be sure that she is going to be a reflection of her parents...it just might not be in the things on the outside.  But, it's what is inside that counts.  It might not be in ways that I want it to be.  But, it's going to happen.  And, I need to model what I want her to be like.  Because she's going to be like what I model, whether I want her to or not.

I have been fervently marking pages...I've marked so many pages, I may have to buy Rob his own copy because he actually started it before I did and I took it away to read on the planes.

I'm feeling so relieved that I want to share that with someone else and am going to give away a copy.  I'll order it from Amazon and ship it to you.  Straight up giveaway.  If you or someone else needs to let yourself off the hook for what you see as your failures to raise the kid you wanted (you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find...you get what you need), leave a comment and I will draw one on Memorial Day.  Please state specifically that you do want to be included in the drawing in addition to any other comments you have.  Please don't forward this around.  This is for my regular readers.  Anybody else might think I'm a fruitcake for feeling this relieved, but you guys have read how I struggle with my expectations and the developing personality of a teen and know I am not a nutcase.  Just the parent of a teen.  Which makes me a nutcase.

Somehow, that was not supposed to end in a circle.

Have a great Friday.  If you're in the US, happy Memorial Day.  Please take a few minutes to talk to your kids about the contributions of the US armed services.  How they are put in harm's way to protect us.  Whether you believe in the cause or not should not interfere with your respect for those that fight the battles.  Honor those fallen.  Honor those that survive and respect the change it makes in them.

Lane

14 comments:

Auntie Em said...

Congratulations Sydney!
Congratulations Lane and Rob!

One Minnesota Quilter said...

I remember the day at the mall that our son asked us to walk about 20 feet behind him and act like we don't know him. I laughed on the outside but was really hurt on the inside. Today, we have a wonderful relationship. (He's 28 now.)

Your not supposed to be her best friend- your supposed to be her parent. So just hang in there. :)

Look at how far she has come - congratulations to all of you!!

Judy

Piece by Piece said...

Congratulations Sydney, way to go girl!!!

Lane & Rob, congratulations, you are doing a great job raising your daughter. I know its struggle sometimes, but those moments you experienced at the concert make it all worthwhile.

My kids are 51, 49, and 44 years old, they still learn from me and they teach me a lot. They are still my kids, I am the parent, but now we are also friends.

Patricia

Linda said...

I have tears in my eyes while reading this. It brings back so many memories from raising three sons. There are so many ups and downs, highs and lows, but it's all worthwhile. They're all grown now. One son, a few years back, wrote a sweet note thanking us "for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself". Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing a great job!

Kim said...

I have a almost 13 year old boy that drives me crazy sometimes and sometimes he is the most wonderful boy around... He just put me through torture this last week of school worrying if he would pass to 8th grade or not - just because he wouldn't turn in his homework. He is VERYsmartand excels at those standardized tests, but is lazy.

I also have an almost 9 year old girl, who is turning into a "diva" and I don't know where she is getting it from, I DO NOT act that way at all.

It sounds like I would benefit from this book... So please include me in your drawing...

Anonymous said...

Don't include me in the drawing. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I don't have children and probably didn't understand what my friends went through while they were raising theirs, I'm getting a glimpse of that through your blog.
cindy

Anonymous said...

One thing that got me through the teen years with my kids. I read a psychologist say that the more your teen rebels against you means that they love you more and feel closer to you. They have to rebel in order to form their own personalities and independence. And the people they rebel against they feel comfortable rebelling against are the ones they know love them, and so they feel safe in rebelling against those people. My sons have been very sweet since and the one who I went toe to toe with at times has been the one who I can talk to about anything. So congrats!!

qltmom9 said...

Yes, include me in. This sounds interesting, although I already know my kids are crazy. I have 4 teens currently (2 in their early 20s) and 3 more below teenager (10yo, 8yo, 6yo). Yes, I *KNOW* that *I* am crazy, but I'm crazy about my kids.~

Lucy~

Mary said...

In a month and a half I will no longer have any teenagers. My boy will turn 20. He is not rebellious, he withdraws. Just as frustrating as my rebel who turns 22 Memorial Day. You two are doing great, hang in there.

Impera_Magna said...

Okay.... I cried at the "I knew you were there" part...

Thanks for the give-away but my kids are approaching 40... *lol* I will check out the book tho... thanks for the recommendation... I work in the public school system and having good books to recommend to parents is much better than telling them I did with my kids.

Coloradolady said...

Oh. My. Goodness....let me get my tissue...this made me cry.....one day, I will tell you how so many things from the past that I thought were ruined for good all came together this week and I have walked through a tough time. It may have been just in my mind really, but I have really made a break through this week myself.

Sydney is going to grow up into an amazing and caring adult and I am excited for you and her future.

I am very proud of her...please tell her that!!! She is doing great and what a wonderful evening and a since of pride you surely had!!

My kids are beyond me needing this book, but what a fantastic tool this is!!

Have a great weekend!!! I hope to have a lot of sewing time!!!

Hugs for all of you Lane!!!

Vesuviusmama said...

I cried, too, just reading your post. I'm so glad you got there, and so glad she saw that you were there. And I'm scared to death of my kids turning into teenagers (I have 3 years left), so please add me to your giveaway for the book.

Cynthia L. said...

Children have a way of making us look inside and find out what we are really made of. I am glad you are willing to do this.

Congrats to Sydney and her accomplishments!

Hope your weekend was wonderful!

Carla said...

Congratulations TO Sydney!
Okay I'm all teary now but you will survive the teenage years. I did. With Girls it's always a new day especially if the hormones are kickin.
Hang in there and enjoy the ride Oh and don't take everything they do and say personal. That has been the hubby's hardest lesson.
As of yesterday my 25 year old accepted a nursing job in Bryan and contingent on passing the state board... SHE BETTER. LOL.