I don't usually blog from the dark side. If I do, I usually think of something happy or mundane to talk about. But, I thought, just this once, I'd let go and see how it goes. This will never be what my blog is about. But, just for one day, I thought I'd see if this is the self indulgent thing I need to do to start feeling better.
Today started as another dark day at the end of a couple week long string of dark days. Days when I felt so down that it was all I could do to go to work and smile. And, time is missing. What happened during those days other than me staring off into space without the motivation to pick up a pencil? I know that I was doing things. I turned in work. I can see progress. There isn't a pile of dishes next to the sink. Stuff was done. But all I can remember is the blank spots in between when nothing really happened. Time whooshed by and left me standing in the road, dazed.
And, everybody wanted something. Some decision. And, it was all I could do to get a glass of water. Looking through a child that wanted attention. Looking past the aging dogs. Getting frustrated by the questions of a man that just wanted me to tell him what he could do that would make me feel better. And, I couldn't answer because I didn't know.
It's like I wasn't even there. And, the whole time thinking if I could just do one self indulgent thing, it would be for me and I'd feel better. So, I self indulged. I hid away from everything and everyone. I closed the sewing room door and shut out the world. And, I was selfish in my self indulgence. It wasn't self indulgence to give me anything. It was self indulgence to not give anything to anybody else. And, justifying it by saying that if I just do one thing for myself, I'll start to feel better. And, doing everything for myself and not feeling any better.
Unable to enjoy the trees because the forest is so daunting. A myriad of problems that need to be solved. Too many expectations that I can't meet. And, I lose track of any one thing I could do because I can't find it in the pile of things that need to be done.
And, hoping nobody notices that instead of trying, I've sat down.
I'm pretty sure that I can only write this because I have started looking at the trees and forgetting about the forest. Before now, it was thinking what I'd write in my blog for the day. And, when I let thinking about that be all I thought about (a single tree), I figured out how to get it done.
Next, I'll brush my teeth and put on my shoes. I'll worry about what comes next when I get there.
I hope that there will be some brilliant p.s. later in the day that describes what happens after that. I'm thinking there might even be some sunshine. Just because I picked one tree to look at, one problem to solve, one thing to focus on. And, I can handle one thing. Any one of the single things that needs to be done. One thing at a time.