11/8/11

A bit of a blogging funk

I have been struggling lately to come up with blog topics. Normally verbose, it's really wierd when I can't think of anything to talk about. Normally, I'm just full of words.

Maybe it's the time of year. The clouds are so low and the weather so ready to change, but it's still hot in Texas and there's just no freaking rain. It's like Mother Nature forgot we're here. I drove past Austin's last General Store yesterday and the sign out front said "Raindancers needed. Apply within."

With the holidays coming along, secrets are the thing of the day. And, with so many friends and family following my blog, I just can't talk about it. Can't share what I'm making. Can't share what I'm thinking. Can't share what I'm feeling. That sucks. The blog is supposed to be about me, right?

Last week, I was dealing with a bit of depression. Don't know where that comes from, but it sneaks out of the woodwork like sugar ants and before I know it, it's taken over and I just can't shake it. And, then it passes and I wonder why I've been in such a dark mood for several days.

And, what's better for dark moods than chocolate. Except that I climbed on the scale this morning and was shocked and appalled. Oh, yeah. Scales are bad for depression. It's like depression is climbing in a hole. Getting on the scale was like starting to pull the dirt in around me. So, no more scales this season. That's my first holiday gift to me.

Now, logically, I know that when I'm exercising and gaining weight, mostly it's muscle. But, try telling that to your naked self on the scale in the morning. Yeah, right. Muscle mass. Bend over so you can see if your knees and ankles are still there.

In fact, seems that the only thing I want to do or talk about is sewing. Sewing is peace. Sewing is self fulfillment. Sewing is doing something I'm good at and then being able to look at what I've done and feel good. Sewing is self indulgence. But, if I don't work, I won't be able to sew.

Work is not fulfilling. Work is crazy and unhappy and a burden. I used to have a fun job. That's why I was willing to do it for so long. But, it's been a year of promising myself that my fun job is still hiding somewhere and a year of being disappointed that I can't find it. I'm afraid that all the fun in my job has crawled in a hole and died.

Speaking of promises to myself, I'm going to try something. I hate cutting scraps to use in my scrap user's system. Scraps from quilting are okay. They're usually straight lines, just wierd sizes. But, scraps from clothes, that's another matter. Wonky, curvy, odd sizes, hard to figure out what I can get out of a scrap to optimize what I have. I hate cutting them up so bad that I have a large popcorn tin full of scraps that need to be cut. So, my goal is to cut for 15 minutes every day. Just 15 minutes. Until it's all done. I'm two days in and haven't made a dent yet.

You're thinking that maybe I should set my goals a bit higher, aren't you?

Well, you try doing something for 15 minutes every day. EVERY day.

Okay, in all honesty, I won't be able to do it EVERY day. But, I'm going to give it the old college try. After all, who knows what's in that tin that I can use in the upcoming Bonnie Hunter mystery. Or, what's in there that would fill out a Linus quilt. Not that my bins are short on scraps. If all my uncut fabric were suddenly stolen by fabric thieves or silverfish, I'd still have enough scraps to keep me busy for a couple of years.

But, that tin of fabric weighs on my mind. After all, why not pick something totally innocuous to worry about, right? And, right now, I can use some things to worry about that are insignificant. I mean, have you heard the news lately? I'd much rather worry about what's in that tin.

So, that's what I say when I can't think of anything to talk about. Just a stream of consciousness, freely flowing. Hope you are all bright and cheerful and that birds are chirping on your shoulder and helping with your housework.

Take care and have a great Tuesday. Lane

13 comments:

Linda in TX said...

I'm west of Katy and am WAITING for it to rain today. 70% they said. THEY LIE. So my depression is all no-rain based and consequently I haven't gotten much done today. Except reading blogs. So here's a hug for you. Maybe it will make us both feel better!

regan said...

What is it about the week after Halloween that has us all jumping on the dang scale? I too, was appalled! So we're trying to be good, eat more salads and veggies, and not so much crap.....but I didn't have lunch today, and I passed by a Tim Horton's, and I really needed to use a bathroom, so of course, I needed to buy something.....so....4 donut holes!

It's better than the dozen I used to get, right! lol

Hope your week improves! Stitch something! That always helps!

Becky said...

Anytime you want to just blog your random thoughts, or even type out the phone book, I will be glad to read it because it's still hearing from YOU!! lol Love ya! Becky

Bratling said...

We understand, Lane, we really do. And if you think your popcorn tin is bad, you don't want to see the large shopping bags full of scraps in my black hole.... or the pile of wool scraps on my floor! (The girls need coats. I have wool in my stash. Therefore, I'm making them coats.)

Michelle said...

There must have been something in the air last week, because I too had about three very dark days. I didn't think ANYONE loved me, and the tears were hard to stop. Just when I got myself under control, if someone tried to talk to me, I would cry again, so I pushed them away. I was tired of crying.

Life is very unfair, and I have been judged unfairly, and lost some people I truly loved, but life goes on, and I will not degrade and bad mouth someone else to try to earn back their love.

I know my husband loves me, and so does my heavenly Father. That should be enough....right? Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't.

Hope you are feeling better. I am.

Katie said...

Hmmmm. Scraps. I have to confess, I'm ready to dump my scrap bin. Some of them have been waiting to be cut up into useful pieces for years. Sheesh! I think it's time. :-)

lw said...

Too bad we don't all live closer. We could have a scrap cutting party-- you provide snacks, we bring rulers, rotary cutters and mats, and we gab for a couple of hours, and when we finish, your scraps would all be cut.

I feel your "scale" pain. I need to lose about 10 lbs. to lower my risk of diabetes. I'm down 4, and I didn't get *any* candy on Halloween. I will be making an exception for Thanksgiving, though-- I'm cooking, and how can you do that if you don't taste the food?

Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up over been depressed, everyone has bad days, I do start taking Vitamin B12 or is it B6?. That usually help pull me out quicker.
Scraps tho are another story. for some reason they like to grow in the bin(s). I think i will take on your idea and try to cut 15 minutes worth every day.
Dorothy

birdmommy said...

I found a great way to deal with my scraps. A group of charitable quilters (not specifically Project Linus, but similar) in my area were more than happy to take all those wonky bits off my hands. Everyone wins - more fabric for them, and more space (and less guilt!) for me.

viridian said...

Maybe we are living parallel lives, maybe it's in the air, but it's been a few depressed days for me too. Work is OK though.
I spent 20 minutes squaring up log cabin blocks and sewed a few together - that felt good!

Anonymous said...

I make little purses or bags out of my scraps. I figure someone will always need a little bag for a gift, or for makeup, or for toothbrush and paste to go somewhere overnight. Also scraps made into a quilt design and made into vests for kids would be really cute.

Vesuviusmama said...

I've been trying to exercise for just 15 minutes a day and I suck at it. My resolve is so weak. My scraps have been in my crosshairs for a while, too. Maybe that's what I'll do today - crank up some tunes and CUT!

Bonnie K Hunter said...

Hi Lane ---

Just a quick thank you for writing about your blogging funk, and depression undertow--

I've just finished my last "gig" of the year, I'm home for 6 weeks, and I'm funked out. I want to sew, but after not writing for the past 10 days.. (Everything was queued up ahead of time on my blog this week because I was gone) I'm just not into it.

I love to write, I know it will come back, but I'm just thinking this funky time is my time to recharge and turn inward for a bit.

No scale for me either --- not until I've worked out for 2 weeks consecutively and gotten back into GOOD HABITS!

Bonnie