2/9/10

Focus

Not having much luck focusing today. I've tried to work and have found several little odds and ends that need to be tidied up before I take 3 days off, but other than that, I'm having a real hard time caring about anything but home.

I know it sounds wierd...or maybe it just sounds wierd to the young people I work with, but all my energy is focused on Rob right now. I know he's anxious and afraid and that makes me anxious. But, we're really close right now and I know he's leaning on me for support and I know he's depending on me to take care of everything he'll need over the next few days so he can rest and heal.

That's hard for him. In fact, we speculate that's hard for most gay men of our age. When we came out, many of us became separate from families and we had to be very independent. There's a line I love from Torch Song Trilogy that goes something like "I taught myself to cook and clean and build stairs and even to pat myself on the back when necessary". It's hard, after a lifetime spent being that independent, to lean on someone else for any kind of support. I think that's one of the big reasons that so many gay relationships are so short lived...gay men don't know how to ask for help from a partner and it ends up driving a wedge between a couple during a crisis. And, we didn't have the traditional support of others, both people and institutions, to help us work through that. So, relationships used to have a shorter half life. But, I happily see much of the changing as we gain more acceptance from our friends and families.

The young people I work with don't think this is any big deal. They've known grandparents who have lost teeth and gone to dentures. And grandparents probably don't show their vulnerability and fear about the process. Or, maybe they accept it as part of getting older. But, Rob is young for this procedure. Not the youngest person I've known who had it, but young none the less. And his feelings that this means he's crossed a bridge into being older are really weighing heavily on him. That and the fear of the unknown...what will this be like? will he be able to eat? how bad will it hurt?... At least he's joined an internet forum of folks of similar age who are going through the same thing, so he's been able to read about their experiences and read their cautions about what to do and not to do. We aren't going into this blind. But, we are going into it with caution.

On Sydney's project, we found that she'd "misunderstood" the instructions and had to re-create a whole section. And, when I reviewed the blueprint last night, I found that they'd included all the low flow toilets and low energy use light bulbs and appliances, but the project was about renewable energy sources and they hadn't included any...not a windmill or a solar panel or even a hydroelectric dam. So, we're trying to figure out how to0 add some of those with a minimum of effort. But, I'm still sure that what she's going to turn in will exceed the teacher's expectations (fingers crossed).

Okay, that's it for today. Take care and have a great Tuesday. I'll try to keep posting the rest of the week. I'm hoping to get lots of quilting done while Rob rests. Lane

9 comments:

CC said...

There will be hugs and prayers coming from Texas, for you and Rob throughout this ordeal. I don't know how much that will help..but I so wanted you to know you have support from a blogger friend.
Hugs and prayers from Texas..xxxx CC

Tammy said...

Hi Lane,
Gay or straight oral surgery sucks big time. Rob's feelings and yours are completely normal. Oral surgeons are amazingly kind folks who provide good pain drugs. The best thing about oral dental surgery is that the recovery time from the surgery is short. The denture part is upsetting as well, I hope he gets a good fit and the adjustment period is short.

It is hard to be needy, dependent and scared. I am sure that your sweetheart is all of that. I don't know what Rob likes, but women love flowers. Be there to hold his hand and give him lots of hugs.

It does sound like Sydney aced her science project. Bravo!

I'll be thinking of your family during this difficult week. Sending warm hugs from frigid Manitoba to all three of you. Would you like some snow? We have a ton!

Shirleymac said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you both too Lane. I know about independence. I had to start being independent at age 12 and I just can't force myself to ask for help or support (aside from when I was in therapy). I guess that's why I have lots of acquaintances but not many I would call close friends. My husband is my rock. I think it's because we both have our own baggage and have seen each other through a lot. I hope that you and Rob can find that support in each other. Experiences like this can strengthen relationships if we are willing to let down our defences and dare to show a bit of our humaness. A friend of mine had all of her teeth removed when she was in her 20's. I didn't realize how difficult it was emotionally until she shared with me. She felt like a body part had been amputated and that her husband would love her less because of it. She was afraid that people would think less of her. None of that happened. I know being gay probably adds to that fear of non acceptance but if someone can't accept you as you are then they aren't worth knowing anyway. Anyone would be scared. I was scared just having one tooth removed (which didn't hurt afterwards at all by the way, I didn't even need an Advil). I can't imagine the fear of having all of them removed. In those cases I just try to remind myself that by next week the worst will be over and to just go for it. And it usually doesn't even take that long. Sounds to me like Sydney is doing well on her assignment too. In Vancouver they've just put a huge windmill up on a mountain to harnass energy. They had to use a huge helicopter just to move one blade it's so large. They wanted the 2010 Olympics to be "green". I don't think they foresaw the ski hills being literally green though.

Becky said...

Keeping you both in my prayers. I'm sure Rob is totally on edge about losing his teeth, but it is one of life's little hurdles that we must endure...and with your help and support it will be
much easier. I'm sure you don't need my medical advice (I got my doctor's degree from Sears-Roebuck) but tell Rob not to let the pain get "ahead of him". If the doctor says to take pain medication take it as directed for at least the first 24 hours. Hang in there...hope you can get some quilting done. Love ya!

P. said...

Wishing Rob and you the best and that he has a speedy recovery. Your care and support for him will make a big difference for sure. My mom had to have dentures in her mid-20s, which was quite traumatic for her at such a young age. As a kid, my siblings and I didn't understand the big deal, but as an adult, I sure do. I'm sure it'll all be worth it though for a healthy new smile!

lw said...

Oral surgery scares the beejeebers out of me, so I understand Rob's uneasiness. I'm so glad you have each other, even if it is sometimes hard to lean on someone else. Because at the heart of it, you know if something goes wrong, you're there for each other (even if you don't say it out loud.)

My dad had to get a full upper plate when he was in his 20's. It never stopped him from eating steak, except for a few days between fittings.

Susan L (lily40au) said...

It's such a big step I completely understand Rob's concerns. And you are so thoughtful and considerate it's clear your commitment is there and Rob must understand that and be happy for that. (Sorry totally rambling but supportive ... I think I've lost the ability to think today.)

Quiltluver said...

Having been married for 32 years, it is easy to forget that not everyone has had the stability and support that I've had. You've given me a different perspective to think about. I'll be thinking good thoughts that the procedure goes well and Rob heals quickly without too much pain. It's always tough when someone you love is going through a difficult time, but I know you'll be there to help him through this every step of the way. You are so thoughtful and caring--are you sure you're not related to my husband?

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

Lane ,

I really like the way you talk about Rob. It's obvious you have a caring relationship, and that's what counts.

Sending Aussie wishes for a speedy recovery, and hugs for you both.