Do you ride your own personal emotional rollercoaster?
The therapist said be aware of what goes on before I get so angry I start to shout, because I rarely shout about what's really bothering me. So, I have been aware. Last night, I wanted to shout but didn't. Is that because I was aware of what was going on? Does it mean things are changing for the better for me?
It started on Thursday. It was some kind of a creative manic cycle. coat, Coat, COAT. quilt, Quilt, QUILT. Obsess.
On Friday, Rob asked, "what do you have planned to do this weekend?" and I answered, "Sew". Simple. I had no idea how many hours I would end up sewing. I had no idea how much I would resent having to stop sewing and being creative to eat. Or, to sleep. Or, even to come to work on Friday.
I was creative. It was fun as heck. And, the things I made were beautifully creative. And, I didn't get upset about having to correct my mistakes because I was being creative. I expected to make mistakes. I just pulled them out and redid it. That's unusual for me, who usually gets all anxious about having to redo work and end up angry at myself about it. But, not this weekend.
I was also obsessive and I was withdrawn from family and everything else that was happening in the world. Coat. Quilt. Sew.
Yesterday came the anxiety. I had to get leave the sewing room and rest so I could get up and come to work yesterday. I did it, but spent the whole day on edge. Frustrated with even the simplest things that didn't go just right.
And, last night came the passive aggression. Don't laugh. I took everything that my family had left laying around in the kitchen that was in my way or in my line of sight and I put it at their place on the dining table. So, they couldn't eat until they did something with it. Fortunately, I moved Rob's pile, just before he came to table. I don't think that would have gone over very well.
But, I didn't yell. I stomped a bit and I humphed a bit, but I didn't blow the house down.
And, this morning, I got up and it was all over and I was fine again. No real damage done. This time. And, I got to observe what it's like to be me without doing anything I needed to be ashamed of.
First thing I did was let Rob know that I knew that I'd been acting wierd. Somehow, I think it helps them to know that I know and that I'm working on it and that I'm following the therapists instructions to be aware and observant. And, to try to understand why.
Here's what I think. We're rolling out that big product change from end of last year in another state. I'm the marketing lead again. That was a tremendous amount of work and stress and put my real life on hold. I don't like when my real life is on hold and I needed more time to rest before we start that again.
I'm traveling next week. I don't like to put my life in the hands of the travel industry. They do good work, most of the time, but when things go wrong, people spend hours on the tarmac without access to a bathroom. And, you can be arrested if you smart off to anyone. And, sometimes I smart off when I'm upset.
It's time to do stuff around the house. New carpet. Paint. Other repairs. But, I'd rather sew. And, I'd rather sit on that money that's in savings to do those repairs.
My Dad had a bit of surgery and he's so far away and it's hard to stay in contact.
I have so much I want to do and not enough time to do it all. When that happens, I tend to start something new and not worry about any of it.
Understanding is one step closer to a real behavioral change.
So, why tell you about all this? Because I know that I'm not the only one riding this roller coaster. Life is good, but everybody gets down. Everybody feels overwhelmed. But, we don't talk about it. We keep our personal stuff off the internet. And, that's good for most things. But sometimes, it helps to know we're not alone. I know that as I watched myself this weekend, I thought about not being the only person feeling overwhelmed. Doesn't matter whether it's because of a fear of flying or because we're afraid we're ruining our children's lives or because the house is being repossessed. Overwhelmed is overwhelmed. And, "not alone" is very strong.
OCD, ADHD, and manic/depressive behavior. It's the trifecta of feeling self defeated. All I need now is a second personality and I'll have the whole set, including somebody to argue with.
Take care and have a great day. Enjoy feeling good if you do. Enjoy looking forward to feeling good if you don't.
I'm back to feeling it.