4/26/12

discombobulation

Change is good.  But, only change that I want is good. 

Okay, so clearly, yesterday was not just about Google.  Yesterday was about a whole series of unpleasant changes, and Google was the only one I could rant about.

I did learn one thing tho.  Updates I made to my blog post did not go out like I expected them to.  Used to, when I updated my post to add some info or moderate some language, it updated for everybody that read after that.  Clearly, that didn’t happen yesterday.  I updated the post soon after it was published to better express my frustration, but y’all were still seeing the original post, well into the night.  So, that’s info for everybody using blogger.

I’m having a bit of difficulty right now with “right focus”.  I keep getting distracted by little things, like google, and not focusing on the big stuff, like work. 

All I want to do is sit and sew and relax.  But, a frustration has been building up in me for days.  A feeling that I’m wasting time and I don’t know on what, but I’m still being really productive, so it can’t be wasted, so why does it feel like such a waste?  I feel like I’m in really bad trouble for something, but I can’t think what I might have done.  And, believe me, I’ve reviewed everything I can.

At my machine, I am in charge.  I create what I want.  It looks like I want.  The only change is change I want, and so it is good change.

At work, I can’t think about what I need to.  I’m able to put out fires and smile and send pleasant messages to those I work with, but inside, I just couldn’t care less.  And, what’s going on in American politics has actually got me a little scared.  I keep reassuring myself that these are just the vocal, that the majority is sitting back, quiet, like me, and won’t speak until we vote.  But, OMG, the disrespect is just appalling. 

Something about my lack of “right focus” is really important, but I don’t quite understand it yet.  So, instead of fretting it, I need to put it in a quiet place and just let it be, until it grows up and gets a focus.  Meanwhile I need to get through the next few days, and the next few days after that.  Later, I’ll understand what’s really going on, but for now, I just need to know that something is going on; acknowledge it, but don’t let it bog me down.  

My frustrations bled into family time last night.  I was an angry dark cloud that wouldn’t talk to anybody; better not to say anything than aim something at one of them.  But, I’m learning that it’s not always what you do.  What counts is what you do after that.  And, after that, I relaxed and apologized and took my part in family time for the rest of the evening.

One day, the secret to what it all meant is going to be clear to me.  It’s just, I’m worried that it might be too late and the secret might be “what were you so stressed about?”

So, today, I’m shooting for a relaxed day.  And, I’m using a different writer software for the first time to write this post.  So far, so good.  I can feel the relaxation flowing in.

As Ellen says, Be kind to one another.

Lane

7 comments:

Becky said...

Hang in there Buddy!!! I think I have felt that way before but didn't have the wherewithal to define it! Hope all things murky will become clear soon......and that your not in trouble about anything!!! Love you!
Becky

Coloradolady said...

I was wondering, what kind of software do you use for post? I just use the page on blogger. I changed mine last year when it first came out and have gotten used to it. I don't think I ever had any of the problems you are talking about, maybe it is because they are changing so many over all at once. It will work itself out....it usually does.

Hang in there.....it has been a rough week for me too....no focus....and edgy mood to boot!!

Joni said...

Wow! You put it so well. A lot of that is how I've been feeling as well, but would not have been able to word it so well.

Michelle said...

There must be something going around. Hang in there. We all love hearing from you. Know you are valuable in many sets of eyes.

Cynthia L. said...

I know you will get over this and get back to your normal self. I am not usually one to talk politics, but I must agree with you, I am scared. There is so much ugly going on with the leaders of our world and folks wonder why we have bullies in school. There is more that I worry about regarding politics, but perhaps that is a better conversation for another day! Keep quilting, it solves many woes.

P. said...

I hear you and relate to what you're saying. I'm one of the quiet ones sitting back now, ready to speak with my vote. Take care.

Vesuviusmama said...

Our politicians have me scared silly! I, too, hope there are a bunch of moderates sitting quietly in the back waiting to vote.