So, last night, after spending 45 minutes in traffic on the way to the game, and two and a half hours in an uncomfortable folding chair at the game, and a long drive home, I got the mail and found a progress report from school. Unfortunately, it hit me when I was down, when I was tired, when I was discouraged, and when I was feeling hopeless about making a difference.
And, for about 97 seconds, I foamed at the mouth and barked like a rabid dog. And, then I went to bed.
I am embarassed and I am upset with myself because I've been doing so good at maintaining control. I was upset because I did so much bragging on myself yesterday morning, just to have it all go to pot last night.
And, I know I'm going to lose parenting points with some of you, but it IS all about me. And, I cannot let grades and school be the only thing my whole family is focused on. And, for the last few weeks, it has been just that. Grades, basketball practice, inconvenient rides, uncomfortable seats, learning new skills, reminding the kid to do her homework, following up with teachers, reminding her to wash her face and wash her clothes and take her knee brace and turn in her homework and talk to her teachers and turn in her projects and feed her dog and wake up in the morning and does she have her shoes?
And, I need it to be about me sometimes, too.
So, last night, I calmly handed her the progress report and advised that I would be contacting her teacher for more information. And, then I brushed my teeth and came back out and went to hug her. And, that's where she made her mistake. She asked "why are you upset about this." And, in 97 seconds, I summed it up. For all the world to hear.
After I laid in bed for a few minutes, I apologized to her for yelling and I also apologized to Rob for yelling.
And, I woke up feeling terrible this morning. While I would have liked to pull a pillow over my head and just stay in bed for the day, I didn't. I walked Rob's dog and I gently woke Sydney and I filled all the food and water bowls and I made breakfast, and when we got to table, I said very clearly and plainly that our every conversation as a family could not be about her and that she had to take care of her business and make room for the rest of us to be the focus once in a while. We talked briefly about her grades and made a plan for some makeup exams and tutoring.
And, then I got on with life. Because that's also what parents have to do. But, I don't have to give over my whole life to parenting. I get to be important, too, and I know that some parents would disagree with that and say that when you become a parent, that's all you do. But that's not going to work for me. And, maybe that makes me selfish. But, I can tell you at least one thing that is true for me. If I'm not happy with me, if I'm not the focus of my own life, if I don't take some time for me to be important, then I am not going to be a good parent.
So, on a lighter note, keeping my own scorebook at the games is going well. I did much better last night, but I also watched the official scorekeeper and what she was writing down and she is not tracking all the things that I've learned to track. So, after my official training next week, I should be plenty ready to track what they want me to track as opposed to what the NCAA requires.
And, there was another ball incident last night that I handled much better. In fact, I was a ball magnet last night. The first time, it was coming right for me and a coach in front of me caught it and Rob and I had a good laugh and I said "almost a repeat of my embarassing ball moment" and he said "I wouldn't have let that happen again" and we laughed some more. A few minutes later, here comes the ball again and nobody stopped it but me. I caught it with my one free hand and it bounced on my hand a few times, but I never lost control and then I tossed it back to the girl that was waiting for it. And, I looked at Rob and said "what happened to not letting that happen again" and we laughed some more.
Sydney sprained her ankle. It's pretty swollen today and I sent her with a handful of OTC pills to help and told her not to participate in practice today. She's off her foot for at least a couple of days. But, next game is not until next week and she'll be fine by then.
Take care and have a great Wednesday. And, thanks for being my group that I can unburden to. Sorry nothing quilty. There is just so little time during the week.